For the last several years, I have been impersonating a responsible adult. Unfortunately, possibly as a by-product of that, I don’t get to spend as much time with my free-spirited friend, Desi, as I would like these days. When I’m with Des, I know that I am a character in a Grayson Capps song. Life is dirtier, hazier, and a good deal more fun when you’re with her . . . like perpetually walking the streets of New Orleans as a vagabond and misfit. Men of all ages, shapes, colors, and sizes love her, and they are drawn to her like whipper snappers are drawn to myspace. I believe it has something to do with Einstein, relativity, and whatnot. When I’m with her, I sometimes get caught in the crossfire of her 'man-inertia,' and I hear the most ridiculous pick-up lines. My favorite to date: 'Do you like hillbillies?'
I can always count on meeting new and interesting people when out and about with Des. For example, several years ago, we were on a flight home from San Antonio, TX. It was late, and I had every intention of sleeping through the entire flight. We grabbed our seats; the young man seated beside Des turned out to be from her hometown. He had just gotten out of jail. I’d wake up to hear Des ask, 'Yes, yes, I see. But, was she worth going to jail for?' (FYI – the answer to this question should always be NO!).
Des has a new guy friend named Dan, who happens to have a midget fetish. So, for a birthday surprise, she bought Dan tickets to go see midget wrestling. I tagged along since I hadn’t met Dan yet. Hmmm – what to wear to such an event. I went with jeans, flip-flops, and a black blouse. I haven’t painted my toenails in about 3 years or so, but I felt like there was a good chance that my toes would be seen by the midget wrestlers . . . so I painted them pink especially for the occasion.
Desi, 10 years my senior, loves playing the age game – people always guess us to be the same age, and it just delights her. So, of course, when she introduced me to Dan she asked, 'Now, how old do you think she is?' Dan guessed me to be 32 – I was liking him already.
We showed up at Chef Raymond’s (the venue for the midget wrestling), and a waitress named Amy came over to Desi and said, 'Stephanie, you look great!' Desi replied, 'I’m not Stephanie, but thank you.' Amy zoned in on me . . . 'Oh, I LOVE your hair! I’d like to get mine cut like that, but I’m afraid.' Amy’s fear of short hair, as it turned out, stemmed from the fact that she was a 'hair stroker.' Ah, we had already found someone else with a fetish, and the night was very young. Amy is 4’11,' and she explained to us that she is technically a dwarf. I thought that this information would excite Dan, but he seemed frightened of Amy. Fetishist can be very picky, I’ve learned, and clearly Dan prefers the gals under the 4’6' range.
The midget wrestling started, and it was great fun. Meatloaf, a 276 pound midget, easily won. It was an unfair match, though. His tiny opponent, Blixx, was clearly smashed. He admitted to 7 shots and countless beers before the match began. Sadly, we parted ways with the midgets and Amy the dwarf in search of grub; midget wrestling works up an appetite. So, off we went to Duggers, with Amy yelling to us, 'Goodbye Dan, goodbye Jenna, goodbye Stephanie.'
Duggers was absolutely packed – there was no free seating. But, never fear, Desi found us a table with 'Leslie.' He was sitting alone . . . well, almost alone – he had about 10 empty glasses on the table. I, of course, got the honor of sitting beside Leslie. He quickly deduced that my husband was smart, handsome, and maybe a CIA agent (but I’d never know it). 'Why, pray-tell, do you think that?' I had to ask. 'Well, you’re smart and good lookin,’ so I figured your husband must be, too.' Hmmm, I understood why Leslie was alone. He was clearly rusty on his pick-up lines. I mean, his line hardly measured up to, 'Do you like hillbillies?'
We ordered chicken and drinks, but we found out from our waiter that they were out of glasses. For some reason, Leslie seemed unwilling to give up any of his glasses, so we just had to wait. When our waiter eventually brought our food and drinks, Desi began dancing with him. Dan and I collectively agreed that our waiter was actually Zero from the movie 'Holes' all grown-up. I don’t think Desi even asked for his autograph.
The karaoke began as we were enjoying our chicken. Some guy was singing 'I Would Do Anything for Love, But I Won’t Do That.' Leslie informed us that the song was about a threesome (which I still don’t believe - I mean, can you imagine a man feeling so strongly about not participating in a threesome that he'd sing a song about it??). He went on to explain that he had experimented with 2 men and 2 women before. Clearly, Leslie was not as rusty as I had originally thought. He recommended to Dan that he go the 2 women route – it was Leslie’s personal preference. What good is life experience, after all, if we don’t share our knowledge with others?
We looked through the song catalog to pick out a song for me to sing on my birthday. Dan suggested 'Material Girl.' Damn it – I was coming off as prissy again. I’m guessing it was the pink toenails.
Oh, but all fun nights must come to an end. As we were recapping the evening’s events, Dan asked what I planned on doing with my newfound knowledge. I promised that I would only use it for good. We slammed fists like super heroes and magically disappeared, leaving Leslie alone with his many glasses dreaming of threesomes.
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