I Swear I’m Not a Stalker, Officer, I Just Had to Pee

My beautiful Aunt Mi-Mi, my mother's only sister, is in the twilight of her life. In her younger years, she was full of gypsy blood. She and her first husband would hop in their car and move from place to place, town to town. I always imagine them in a red convertible, top down, of course, with Aunt Mi-Mi in sunglasses and a scarf wrapped around her head. In my mind's picture show, she would throw her hand up in the air to wave, but she wouldn't look back . . . leaving the farm and small town life in her wake.

With three husbands in the ground, Aunt Mi-Mi has ended up in Cookeville, TN. She no longer drives. I have a good deal of that same gypsy blood flowing through my own veins, and I can't stand the thought of her stuck in that house on a hill. This fall I announced to Momma, "Pack-up the car, we're taking Aunt Mi-Mi to see the fall leaves."

We pick-up Aunt Mi-Mi, and we head toward Edgar Evans State Park. Upon our arrival at the park, Aunt Mi-Mi seemed absorbed in her memories. "Kirby used to bring me here all the time. I wouldn't want to date Kirby, but I just wish he were still alive," she continued. Kirby was Aunt Mi-Mi's boyfriend between her second and third husbands. They would "go dancing" together. I felt kind of bad for Kirby; I knew he could never fully win Aunt Mi-Mi's heart. He just wasn't the right sort of fellow. For example, Aunt Mi-Mi wouldn't allow Kirby to accompany her to my wedding . . . apparently, his shirt and tie didn't match.

But, I found Kirby terribly interesting, mainly because he was a narcoleptic. He could fall asleep anywhere – on the steps, watching TV, eating dinner. I would always sit next to Kirby and engage him in conversation. I secretly hoped that he'd fall asleep one day in mid-sentence, "Now, Girlie, the secret to happiness is . . . zzzzz, zzzz." And then I'd never know! It would have made a GREAT story, but, alas, he never fell asleep mid-sentence (at least, not with me).

Things went sour with Kirby after Aunt Mi-Mi met her dapper third husband, Paul, at one of these dances. Aunt Mi-Mi extinguished Kirby's flame like a bad kitchen fire. But Kirby had tenacity. She found him one night spying on she and Paul in the bushes outside her house. "He's stalking me!" she squealed. Her daughter, Jane, and I both took-up for Kirby. Jane said, "I like Kirby, and I can be a bit of a stalker myself." "Well," I said reasonably, "I don't think he was stalking you. I think he merely came for a visit and saw you weren't home. When nature called, I think he simply fell asleep in the bushes." I've always had a theory that narcoleptics could fall asleep while peeing . . .

RIP, and sleep well, Kirby. Don't worry – I figured out the secret to a happy life. I hope you did, too.