The Jenni Belle Red Head Manifold & Whatnot

I have been married for a very long time, but I have a single friend (we’ll call her Madonna), and her stories frighten me. Here’s an excerpt from one of my favorite scenes from Sleepless in Seattle – Sam: “What is tiramisu?” Jay: “You’ll find out.” Sam: “Well, what is it?” Jay: “You’ll see!” Sam: “Some woman is gonna want me to do it to her, and I’m not gonna know what it is!” My conversations with Madonna are along these lines, except way tartier.

Have you ever noticed how certain people attract certain things? I attract strange comments from people about red hair (more on this in a bit). Some people attract car accidents. Some people attract cats. Well, my friend, Madonna, attracts penises. Yes, you read that correctly. I’m calling it “The Madonna Theory of Penis Gravitation.” She’s constantly telling me penis stories…”Well, he ended up emailing me a picture of his penis at work.” “He was trying to get me to go home with him, but he was afraid I’d be frightened by the size of his penis, so he took me into the bathroom to show it to me.” (I’m glad she told me about this one. I always make sure none of her boyfriends try to follow me into the bathroom when she brings them to my house). All I know is that I’m glad I didn’t get stuck with “The Jenni Belle Theory of Penis Gravitation.” And I’m glad I’m married.

The universe stuck me, instead, with “The Jenni Belle Red Head Manifold.” I’m approaching my 40th birthday, and my life has been a series of comments about the color of my hair. It is human nature to comment on unusual features, but as a public service, I’ll give you (actual) examples of the creepy vs. non-creepy. This could keep you out of jail. You are welcome.

Maitre d: “Your hair is gorgeous. Your table is ready.” Very non-creepy. Nice.

Cashier: “This green sweater is going to look amazing on you with your red hair.” Definitely non-creepy. Friendly.

Elderly Man (with his Wife): “I love the color of your hair. See this lady right here? Her hair used to be the exact same color. I knew the moment I saw her I was gonna marry her.” Awwww. Non-creepy. Very sweet.

Old Classmate: “I saw you coming from a mile away. I knew it was you. I’d recognize that hair anywhere.” Non-creepy. An identifier; it’s nice to be remembered.

Mechanic: “I believe you have the most beautiful hair I’ve ever seen (wink). Okay, your estimate for the new brake pads is $427.” Creepy, although, I can’t decide which actually turned my stomach – the comment or the estimate. I went somewhere else.

Lawyer: “Where’d you get that pretty hair? (He actually touched my hair).” Creepy. I object, Your Honor! Usually, lawyers aren’t required to touch your hair. This is an act best left to beauticians and hair braiders on the beach.

Optometrist: “You have beautiful hair. I have a vacation home in Bristol, and I’ve got this old, saloon-style parlor. I wanted a picture of a naked woman for the room to give it a very period feel, and one of my patients said he’d paint it for me. He asked what hair color I wanted on the girl, and I told him red. Well, my wife got mad, and she wouldn’t let me have the painting, but now she has red hair.” Creepy. On a positive note – at least he didn’t show me his penis.